Sunday, June 17, 2007

Fathers Day

I have posted before about my dad and being that it is Fathers Day, he is on my mind today. I was his shadow as a little girl. I was a daddy's girl, I can admit it. We both loved our horses and there was no place I would rather be than out in the barn with the horses and my dad. As I grew, he spent less time with us, and more time at the track. My parents relationship suffered, and my mom wanted to do things outside of "horses." He just had no desire to see movies or work around the house or admit he was a middle-aged man with a family. He started having an affair with an exercise rider and things spiraled down from there. My mom found out and he broke things off, but a year later he was back again with another track girl. My mom was devastated when she found out and they soon divorced. My dad wouldn't help me with college, because he was paying $700 a month for this girls apartment. He bought my car from me since trade in was so low and then never paid me. He would claim me on his taxes so I couldn't claim myself. He offered to sell my moms horse, then called to tell her he found it dead in the pasture. We rushed up to say goodbye to Rev, and he told us the rendering truck had already picked him up. To this day, we know he sold him and pocketed the money. I didn't talk to him for 2 years. I started edging back over time, but I always keep him at a distance. My peace has come with accepting him for who he is and choosing to love him anyway. He is a womanizer. He is charming, and people love him and trust him. When he screws them over, somehow they feel bad and make excuses for him. I have done the same thing. I have found a way to forgive him and have a relationship, without having any trust. I see how great his is with Briannah, and I wish he could have been that attentive and caring to me when I was her age. For all the things he has pulled, I love him I choose to remember that dad that I used to follow from stall to stall.

5 comments:

Ishtar said...

I'm so sorry to hear that! So glad at the same time for your sake that you have been able to forgive him.

Molly said...

A totally honest entry. Thank you so much for saying the truth. Obviously you've got a wonderful grip on this Dad issue.

Jessica Foster said...

My sister once said everyone loves their moms and everyone bitches about their dads. They deserve it. I can understand where you're coming from with this. A dad can be the most challenging man to love. If you can find a way to focus on only the good, you will be able to get something out of the relationship. He will not learn. You already have. I've learned that in order to enjoy my relationship with my father I need to love with blinders on. He's past the point of changing and sometimes it's nice to rely on Dad.

Rising Rainbow said...

Sorry to hear about your day, but it's good you can see him for who he is. You're less likely to be hurt by him when you can see him clearly and not expect what he can't give.

Families relationships are hard, it's not just dads or moms, can be any of them. We hear from the time we're little how important family is and that blood is thicker than water but many people have family who let them down. Human nature I guess.

We can't control it, all we can do is see to it that we don't turn out to be those kind of people.

photogchic said...

Thanks for all the comments. He is difficult to talk about or explain to people, so doing so in a blog helps. I like Fosters comment...to "love with blinders on." Very appropriate for a father who races horses!